Losing my son shattered the illusions I held about life. The aftermath of his death intensified the pain I was already enduring. Amidst bewildering remarks on my grief and the pressure to maintain my usual demeanor, I felt compelled to conceal the depth of my suffering, struggling to comprehend the reasons behind it. The loss of my son felt like a part of me was fading away.
October 15 is a day dedicated to honoring babies who have passed away during pregnancy or infancy, a reality that impacts numerous Canadians annually, and offering support to their grieving families.
Following my loss, I became keenly aware of society’s discomfort with discussing death openly. Some anticipated a swifter recovery from me, while others vanished entirely due to their inability to find appropriate words.
For many prospective parents, losing a pregnancy or infant signifies mourning the loss of an immediate family member and the dreams they had envisioned together. When this grief is downplayed or ignored, it can lead to feelings of isolation. There is no predetermined way to react to a loss, and no set timeline one should adhere to.
Recognizing how grief can affect individuals, being deliberate in your communication, and providing tangible assistance can significantly impact someone going through such a trying time.
Grief encompasses more than just emotional turmoil. While experiences vary, bereavement can be draining, disrupt sleep and appetite, and impair concentration. Additionally, those who were pregnant may also be recuperating physically post-loss, dealing with hormonal changes and emotional trauma. Partners and other family members may also be mourning in their own ways.
If someone appears preoccupied or struggles with daily tasks, consider the burdens they may carry and offer them time and support instead of expecting them to function as they did before.
The language we choose can either comfort or harm those in grief. Avoid well-meaning phrases that stem from discomfort rather than genuine concern for the grieving individual. Refrain from starting comments with “At least” or using clichés like “Everything happens for a reason.” Do not assume they want to discuss future pregnancies or ask about trying again, as a new baby cannot replace the one they lost.
You don’t need to neatly package grief or offer words that worked for you in the past. One of the most valuable things you can do for someone grieving is to acknowledge their pain sincerely: “I am deeply sorry. I am here to listen.”
Instead of deflecting their grief, accept that intense emotions are a natural response to loss. Accompany them on their journey without trying to fill the void with false positivity. Respond to their needs and language regarding their loss. Sometimes, simply being present with patience is sufficient.
Support doesn’t have to be elaborate. Consider what might bring relief to their weary mind and body. Genuine and consistent social connections matter more than material gestures. Instead of resorting to alcohol, which can disrupt fragile sleep, spend time together, reminisce, or offer your presence.
Ask if your support would be welcomed and make it easy for them to decline. Remember to check in beyond the initial days and weeks, ensuring they know that responding is optional.
Don’t shy away from acknowledging significant dates like due dates, birthdays, or anniversaries. Inquire how they would like to commemorate these occasions. For instance, my sister gives me a small yet meaningful gift on my son’s birthday, and my husband and I plant tulip bulbs on his due date every October, marking a poignant tradition.
Ultimately, supporting someone through pregnancy or infant loss is about remaining by their side, even when words fall short in alleviating their pain.
If you are grappling with pregnancy or infant loss, remember that you do not have to face it alone. Seek assistance from a healthcare provider for physical or emotional support and connect with local resources. The Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Centre offers free online support groups for individuals and partners nationwide.